I'm not really sure how to begin this one. I have so many emotions running through me right now, I'm not even sure I could write them all down and have them make any kind of sense. But I have to try. If I don't get them out of my head I know I'll never sleep. With it being almost 1am already, that's something I need to get to doing tonight.
I guess the best place to start is to say that I love my sister. I love her with all my heart and I wouldn't trade her for the world. I'm not going to go into all the reasons that I needed to say that for the rest of this to make sense. Those who are "following" me know me...and know her for that matter, so the rest should (hopefully) make some sense. I don't know why, but lately the pressure that I've felt my entire life for being the "only one to do ___" has really caught up to me. I don't know if it's because things in my life have slowed down (compared to the roller coaster they used to be) or if it because I now have a daughter that I'm petrified of passing some of the pressure on to. But lately, I've been really feeling it weigh on my shoulders. And it seems to make things that shouldn't bother me as much kill me. I'm never going to have the "traditional" sister relationship that I've always envied from other people. I can't lean on her in a time like this like I wish I could. Part of me is thankful that these are things she will never know of...and part of me is desparate for someone like that to turn to (no matter what time it is).
I have a gorgeous nephew and niece who I see all too little. I care about them more than I can express and think about them everyday. I'm at a loss any more about what to do about this "situation". I don't understand it. I don't know what I could do differently to be a bigger part of their lives, or more importantly, for my daughter to be a bigger part of their lives. They are the only nephew and niece I will ever have, they are the only cousins she will ever have. I don't understand why we can't all be closer. Sometimes it feels like I'm the only one that matters to.
I know how this all seems. My sister, the pressure I had growing up and the current situation concerning family don't seem to connect when you look at them from an outsiders point of view. But for me, I keep asking myself, what have I done that isn't good enough this time? Why can't we all be the family we should be? We all live in the same town. I know my door is always open...and I feel like I've pounded on a few lately. No, everybody doesn't always get along. But dammit...we're family and that should be enough. My poor husband keeps asking me what I want him to do. I can't answer him. I don't know what to say. I can't help but shouldering all the blame somehow thinking that one more annoying phone call might be just what it takes for everyone to realize what's really important. For everyone to wake up and see what's really going on. Put aside past differences because life is to precious and to short. To put down all the petty bullshit and just be together. I'm just not sure I have it in me any more. I don't like feeling like that "friend" of the group that no one really wants around but lets hang out with them when they have to just because they don't want to say how they really feel. But the overcoming sadness that I feel every time I hear family things are happening that we hear of last minute, or worse, not at all, kills me more.
I wish I could shake everyone and make them realize the things they could have if they opened their eyes. Things they take for granted that I so desperately want to be a part of. No one seems to care that anything is missing but me. Makes me feel so alone. Like there's something wrong with me for wanting it in the first place. I just wish there was a switch to turn off the feelings. Because it really doesn't matter how many times I hear that it isn't a personal thing against me...it is...deep down it is...whether anyone realizes it or not. It hurts. And it's a hurt that doesn't go away.
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