I've been having a hard time falling asleep for the last few nights. This really isn't surprising. It seems to happen every couple of weeks that I will have one or two nights that I just can't seem to get settled. So I get up, make myself a cup of Sleepytime tea and do some brainless activity like watching bad tv, checking my email, looking at facebook or other random websites until I can barely keep my eyes open any more. Then I finally fall asleep...until my sweet baby girl wakes me up and the day starts over again. This is night three this week...in a row...not been fun. So instead of a mindless activity tonight, I thought I would try writing. Now I'm here with my Sleepytime tea just typing.
The strange thing is that usually on nights like these there seems to be some sort of reason why I can't sleep. There's something on my mind, something I'm worried about or think I'll forget to do. I've always found it funny that I never get up and try to take care of "said thing" but only continue to obsess about it until I get to tired to think any more. Tonight there doesn't seem to be anything. My mind feels like it's racing but I'm not actually thinking about anything. I gave up trying to figure out what was on my mind because it wasn't coming clear and only seemed to be making the situation worse. It's like there's a hamster on a wheel spinning around in my head. Except, no hamster, just a spinning wheel with no logical reason why it's still turning. And yet, it does. It's a very odd thing.
On another note, the house seems to be coming along more and more. I have to keep telling myself that because even though I can see the progress with my own eyes, it still doesn't feel like I'm accomplishing anything. I was giving the suggestion to write down the things I'd done at the end of the day. Sort of like an acknowledgement to myself. Something tangible I could look at and say "see all the great work you did today! Good job!" I think the thing that scares me about doing something like that is that I have a feeling it would turn into more of a "that's it? That's all you got done?" I know everyone says that they are their own worst critic, and I KNOW that's true in my case. But I have got to find a way to take it easier on myself. Find some way of giving myself a pat on the back sometimes instead of waiting around for other people to do it for me. I guess the question then becomes, after 30 years of getting down on myself, how do you begin to turn it around?
I am proud of one thing though. I've cornered off part of a room upstairs where I can do "crafty" things. I've been making Lila's baby book along with a few other projects for my dad and Tim for Father's Day. I really enjoy making things. Now I have a spot in the house, with a table and everything, to work. Bye, bye to the days of trying to put together some creation sprawled out across a bed. I have a place, a work space, put together...and I'm happy it's there. I give myself a little "gold star" for that one. And, maybe, that's a start.
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